Time is not always on our side

Time is not always on our side

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It’s been 13 years since my mom left us. Today is the anniversary of her passing.

Not a day goes by without me thinking about her, in small or big ways.

I was very close to her. I miss her every day.

I miss telling her the little things in my life. I miss hearing about how her day went. I miss hugging her, holding her hands, and laughing with her.

I miss sharing the new songs that I am listening to.

I miss her soft voice. I miss my daily video chats with her on the spotty Skype calls.

I miss the food she cooked- the aroma of her chicken biriyani and the texture of the sweets she made.

I miss the way she decorated our home, way before Pinterest and Instagram.

I miss finding new knick knacks displayed all around our home, every time we traveled back to India. Some of her collections have made their way to my home in California, as a memory of her.

I miss raiding her closet for new sarees I can bring back.

I miss buying gifts for her, to take on my next trip to India.

There are so many things I want to tell her. There are so many things I want to ask her.

There are so many stories that I will never know without her telling me and they are now lost forever.

I wonder where she is now, how she is doing.

I wonder how she would have aged, how her wrinkled skin would feel, how her silver hair would show.

I wonder how my trips to India would be different if she was around.

I wonder how her visits to California would be. I would have loved to show her around the city and try out new cuisines with her. Would she have played with my fluffy doodle?

I wonder if I got my interest in singing from her. I never heard her sing except for the bhajans she participated in during her last few years. I remember she had a soft voice.

I watched for years as she cooked delicious new recipes for us. I wish I had cooked more for her.

I want to know how hard it must have been for her when I left the country. It took me 18 years to understand what she must have felt when my son left for college. That empty feeling. How much she must have missed me.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

It broke my heart to watch her go through the surgeries and treatments and fight cancer bravely and gracefully. Losing her was the toughest thing I ever experienced. I wish I held her hand longer, I wish I hugged her more.

Becoming a mom myself has given me a new level of respect for the things that she went through in raising me. Now I know how much I have to be thankful for.  

I am so grateful for all the sacrifices she made to give me this life. I’m forever thankful for the lessons that still keep coming.

I wouldn’t be me without her.

I am slowly morphing into her- from how I decorate my home and keep it organized, sprucing up every corner with pothos, to embracing a slow, unhurried way of being. Even my jewelry choices and the colors in my wardrobe are shifting toward her taste.

I am grateful for all the vacations we took together, all the time we got to spend together, and all the shopping we did together.

I miss you, mummy. Where ever you are, I hope you are happy and well-rested and enjoying your time with your siblings and your parents.

I had no idea our last vacation would be the last one, how everything would change forever and take you away.

I wish I had stayed longer. I wish I knew that time is not always on our side.